Sunday, June 7, 2009

new beginnings

as the one of you who actually follows my blog actually knows, over the past year i've been separated from my wife pending finalization of our divorce. i have refrained from writing here for a number of reasons.

first, i was, and remain, pretty depressed, and honestly not much good has happened to me. for a while my writing sounded like nothing more than whining, and really, how much of that can anybody stand to read, much less write?

second, when i pretty well stopped writing, my marriage was disintegrating and i was trying to hold it together. since she knew where this blog was, and could presumably read it, i felt constrained in what i could say about my frustrations with the situation, so i chose, in part, to say nothing.

however, as of june 3, that is over. we went to trial and came to an agreed settlement. i'm waiting on the final text of the order, but the divorce is final, and i am single, and what she thinks of the blog matters much, much less, assuming she even bothers to check it anymore, and i doubt she does.

i must confess i'm a little sad about it. whatever my failings as a husband (and they were legion -- some of her complaints really did have merit) i liked being married, i wanted to stay married, and i wanted to reconcile. i didn't get married lightly, and i wanted to be one of those people who only did it once.

of course, it's pretty hard to stay married to someone who doesn't want to stay married, and she didn't want to. she did, it seems, everything within her power to drive me away. after (at the time) 14 years in aa, it was pretty obvious to anybody who knew me even casually that i don't smoke pot and i don't drink alcohol, and it's a reasonable leap from there to believe i don't want them in my home. sue made a show of smoking pot (that she got from her lover, whom she didn't really bother to hide) in front of me, and of course refused to moderate or conform her behavior to anything like what an adult might expect.

our relationship since then has been tense and uneasy. she periodically calls me by my dad's name, in essence saying i'm just like him. so i usually respond by calling her by her brother's name, who killed himself with alcohol (literally). that has happened less commonly recently, although i expect it to pick back up again for a while now that she's angry the way the property settlement happened. this weekend would have ordinarily been my weekend with the kids, but she's gone uncommunicative again, so when i asked about arrangements for getting them, her response was, we already have plans, you should have asked sooner.

i was really sad, honestly, seeing her in court. she looked like hell, angry and disheveled, with heavy circles under her eyes. i wore a suit with a tie, since we were going to be in court; she wore her slut outfit, something i'd have asked her to wear to a titty bar or rock concert. it was some kind of baggy dress, with a v-neck so low you could almost see her nipples (which is saying something), backless, sleeveless, and cut to about the knee. she wore no bra, no panties that i could see, open sandals, and no makeup. it's like she really has turned into trailer trash. the only thing missing was the cigarette, which of course was in her purse.

so now we restart. maybe next post, some plans, things i want to do now that i'm (relatively) free. at least i don't have to get her approval or support anymore, because some people might think what i want to do is kind of outlandish.

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