Tuesday, June 19, 2007

more depression

i hate it, and i hate myself, and all that.

started with a therapist who was so-so but his behavior left something to be desired. checking email, taking phone calls, and dealing with office staff during sessions ... is bad. worse, on two occasions the therapist couldn't be in the office for whatever reason, so rather than call me or offer to schedule a new appointment for me, they took my copay and gave me to another therapist! after the second time that happened i quit going.

but then. then.

i'd paid my copays by debit card authorization. some were on prepaid cards, some were drawn on a checking account. it turned out they'd run the auths on the card, so the funds were held out of my accounts ... for a while. but they never completed the transactions, and so the funds were put back into my account.

they finally got around to running the charges through three months later, after i'd long since forgotten about them. because the charges had been authorized by the bank at the time, they went ahead and paid them ... and overdrew all three of my accounts, complete with lots of overdraft fees that wouldn't have happened if the fuckers had run the charges within a day or two of the appointments.

that was the last straw. i won't accept that shit when it fucks up my finances, which are already jacked enough. i've filed a complaint against him with the state licensing board for unprofessional behavior both in-session and with his billing practices.

okay so. onward.

been working on sue's blog. it looks a lot better than it did. maybe someday it'll make money for us.

upgrade my blog to wp 2.2. no great comments. at least it didn't break my theme.

been heavy into trading here. have a metric assload of sources, and i'm supposed to do some hosting for them during the tour. should be fun.

in school. hate economics, taking two of those (money and banking, managerial economics). looking forward to marital and sexual lifestyles. yay, a fun course hopefully. maybe even she will approve.

i still have one elective to select. likely won't take that until the very end, because it would require me to think.

Saturday, May 12, 2007

upgrade

upgrade to 2.1.3 seems to have gone smoothly for this blog. i sorta broke the other one. oh well.

Saturday, April 21, 2007

moving on up

believe it or not, i have less side effects on 20 mg of the speed than i did on 10.

odd.

Wednesday, April 18, 2007

shrink visit

love the new psychiatrist. love him. down to earth, doesn't freak on my job, has a sense of humor, listens to my concerns about meds.

so we're starting on celexa, which in the same class of drugs as prozac. i've had some bad side effects with prozac (most alarmingly, limp willie syndrome), so we'll see how this goes.

so, he also thinks i show classic symptoms of adhd, which doesn't surprise me at all.

but the treatment.

oh.

my.

FUCKING.

god.

he gave me speed.

he gave me lots of it.

and he gave me permission to self-adjust.

whoa. i wasn't a speed junkie, i was a plain old alcoholic. holy motherfucking crap, where was this shit when i was using? you can get this from a DOCTOR? and it's CHEAP!

and i'm not even on a big dose. i'm on 10 mg. this says that the max dose is 3/4mg per 1 lb body weight. for me that would be over 180mg (cuz, you know, i be fat)! my brain would explode if my chattering teeth weren't driven through my eyeballs first.

wow.

so we'll see how this goes, but i'll definitely go back to the shrink. we may have to talk about this speed thing, but i do like him.

Thursday, April 12, 2007

wtf

so where have i been.

i quit writing a few months ago mostly because i've been frustrated and depressed, and i feel pretty strongly that the nobody reading my blog wants to read about my depression and misery all the time. when i write like that it comes across as so much whining.

so, i'm still alive and i'm less depressed. somewhat.

i've started with a shrink again. only had two sessions but we'll see. have an appt pending with a new psychiatrist as well. i hate depakote -- the shit is physically too large and makes me gag.