Sunday, July 3, 2005

a behavioral guide

it is incumbent upon me to advise you of some subtle signs in my behavior that you should take note of.

when you find me standing on the kitchen counter, and i scream at you at the top of my voice to "get the fuck out of my house, cunt," that is not a invitation to rational discourse. i will not spend a half hour discussing the philosophy of kitchen maintenance, and you are not invited to offer your commentary on the state of my kitchen, my home in general, my school and grades, my employment, or my children.

you are, however, invited to head toward the door as fast as your short little legs will carry you.

should your short little legs fail to start moving, you should not be surprised if i proceed to offer a little additional motivation. i might, for example, be inclined to shove you out the door myself (since you've proven unwilling to do so yourself).

if you should do something so foolish as fall down, it is incumbent upon you to get back up. if you fail to do so, you might find yourself given additional motivation. the only problem is that it's difficult to get people who've fallen down to stand up again when they don't want to, so rather than do that, it's usually faster to simply grab you by one or both arms and/or legs and drag you toward the door.

as you are being dragged, you should be aware that comments like "ow ow that hurts!" are likely to get me to pull harder, since what i'm interested in is your removal from my home, not the protection of your person from harm.

there is a 2 inch drop out the front door of my home, and once i have your ass out there, it won't bother me in the slightest if you also hit your head on the way down. don't look to me for sympathy.

should you find yourself dragged out the door, don't ask to get back in. i've no doubt already locked the door, and had i intended you to come back in, i wouldn't have lugged your ass outside in the first place. however, continually ringing my doorbell is a fantastic way to induce me into calling the police and having you forcibly removed from the premisis.

just so you know.

[and no, it was not my wife.]

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