Thursday, August 12, 2004

thoughts on nothing

it's been nearly a week since i've written anything and i don't quite know what to say or why. my life has just been in a holding pattern, and i guess will be until school starts in a couple weeks.

i continue reading the usual suspect blogs, and while they remain funny and enlightening and heart-wrenching and all that, nothing i have to say on my own ever seems remotely worth reading, let alone going to the effort of writing.

i suppose a lot of it has to do with getting canned at the office the other day. a week post-termination i went in to get some mail that had come to me (textbooks i'd ordered on amazon and sent to the office knowing someone would be there to accept them), and my former boss, all sweetness and love when i was canned (since she wasn't a party to it, only told of it after the board had already decided) was decidedly frosty.

she'd moved my old desk around, and that hurt some, but of course it wasn't my desk anymore. she didn't have any questions i needed to resolve; she hadn't called before or since; just two emails to let me know my books were in.

so i got my shit and left.

officially i'm still the webmaster, but it wouldn't surprise me if someone approaches me and asks to take it over, which would be fine. i was in the middle of putting the site into a mysql database and making it speak php and be all dynamic and shit, and it was a fun project, but it's taken a pretty serious back seat since i think i was treated pretty poorly, whatever the reasons for my termination might have been. essentially, i haven't worked on it, and it's taken a good bit of discipline to not simply rm -rf * all the work i've done. (for the uninitiated: throw it away).

so it's pushing two weeks now. i haven't been out of the house much, just running errands. went to the bank, to get a check from my dad, grocery shopping. that's about it. my sleep pattern has fallen back to its natural nocturnal rythem, which is what happens when i have nothing better to do.

and of course my better half is as unhappy as ever with my parenting non-skills. three crying children unnerve me, and when i can't get them to stop it unnerves me even more. because of the stuff at the office i can't honestly say i even feel especially comfortable going to meetings, and i doubt i will for a long time. makes me rethink the whole friend of bill thing completely, as a matter of fact. it seems like every time i've taken on some kind of service obligation it's blown up in my face.

and of course with no income until school starts, i'm going to have to cancel my therapy appointment that's supposed to be next tuesday. sue's employer has succeeded in making it so expensive as to render it useless. at $30 a visit, i can't afford the copays for a weekly or even bi-weekly therapy regimen, and despite sue's making noise of being supportive, i know what she really wants is for me to just take a happy pill and be done with it. she doesn't see the point of spending the money on therapy, and to be honest, with milk at almost $4 a gallon and us using the better part of a gallon a day, i can understand. one appointment is basically a week's worth of milk. given our financial position, it's hard to justify.

yet i find myself resentful that i have to be in this position, as much as parts of it are of my own making. somebody went off on me the other day about "do you think you're owed a job?" as i ranted and raved about how jobs in my industry are feeling the country like dr. hannibal lecter ("i'm having an old friend for dinner.") i believe the incident happened right after i got off the phone with yet another tech support droid from somewhere in asia trying to answer questions on a product it's unlikely she'd ever seen in a language she couldn't speak being paid wages that aren't legal here. the whole episode pissed me off, especially since i paid $20 for her non-help.

i'm caught in a reality where we simply don't have enough money to make ends meet, yet we're too rich for any kind of public assistance. the student aid helps some, but even the financial aid office's numbers admit a gap between the need, the expected family contribution, and the actual aid award. i suppose i'm supposed to pull the difference out of my ass, like everybody else.

and of course i live in texas, where we think it's bad to talk about birth control in school. texas ranks in the bottom 10 of all 50 states in every measure of public health and welfare spending i've heard in the last decade, from children insured through public insurance to availablility of public mental health services to school spending to services for the homeless, near homeless, jobless, or under-employed. we can't even get our shit together about funding our piss-poor schools as it is.

the only thing we're good at is executing people, apparently. (the texas court of criminal appeals is known as the rocket docket to the death chamber for very good reason.)

and sue wonders why i want to keep our kids away from public education here. "exemplary" performance around here usually means "johnny didn't shoot at anybody to day." forget about learning anything useful.

anyway, grouse grouse grouse. according to sitemeter, i've gotten 135 visits this week. nobody is saying anything if they are. i guess i'm not that interesting.

which is no surprise.

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