Monday, August 23, 2004

cec's stuff

i decided some time ago that, because i can't do threaded replies on wordpress that i wouldn't reply to posts here; instead, i'll do a new post. this is important in situations where i might want to reply to a particular comment, like cecily's from this one.

> I love the new look, btw, but this comments
> block isn’t lit up all the way, and I can’t see
> thelast three words of any line–hence the typos…

Fuzzballz. I suspect this is one of those non-standard behaviors induced by microsoft's embrace-and-extend practices. obviously, since firefox renders correctly and ie does not, and most open-source stuff is not deliberately written to break ie (because open-source stuff tends to be written to standards that microsoft chooses to ignore).

i'll be in touch with the author of the theme to see what can be done.

> And don’t give up on meetings–have
> you thought about maybe trying some
> meetings outside of your intergroup? Maybe?

in practice this is less practical than going to meetings at all, which is well neigh impossible with three tiny kids like i have, plus full-time school. the area my intergroup serves is vast; 17 counties with automatic extension policies. i'd either have to drive to waco (80+ miles) or dallas (about the same in terms of time investment as waco). switching intergroup service areas simply isn't practical.

i haven't given up but i'm less enthused about going than i was. i don't get a lot out of them anymore, and i don't have a lot of time to spend at them anymore either. i've wound up getting myself a head shrinker but the insurance has made the setup virtually useless. at $30 per visit, i'm going only once every two weeks and i doubt i can keep that up for more than another visit or two. the money simply isn't there.

i've also always had sponsor trouble. the one who helped me the most, back in the day, when i did my very first fourth step, burned me really bad not once but twice, when she dropped me claiming her doctor had ordered her to drop everybody she sponsored because of her blood pressure. (what tha?) since then, i haven't had a steady sponsor: they move, i move, or (as has happened a couple of times) they get drunk.

the longer i stay sober the harder it becomes, as well. i've always had trust issues with men and have never found a male sponsor i'm really comfortable with. all of my best work has been done with women (for some reason, really short, really fat women). i know all the standard reasons why i should have a male sponsor, but the truth is that i don't do as well with them, and have a harder time being honest with them. and all of the women sponsors i've had have been able to deal with, well, the cruder edges of maleness that i display on occasion, understanding that it's part of the game, i suppose.

so that leaves me stuck, in large measure.

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