Friday, June 25, 2004

ups and downs of infertility

it has been my experience that a baby doesn't neutralize the pain, not like tylenol does with a headache. no.

what a baby -does- do, once she or she arrives safely, is make all that pain and misery and heartache worth it. a baby, after all, is the goal of all this shit we put ourselves through, not "getting pregnant" as some fertiles seem to think.

but there is always something lost, i think. i look back on my wife's two pregnancies, and i wish we could have done something other than live through them in nausea and fear that "something" will happen and our hearts will be smashed yet again, just when we'd kinda gotten them wired together and the remaining pieces all in a neat pile on the floor again.

early in the second pregnancy, with the twins, we were at maybe 8w and she called me in near-hysterics. "i don't want to scare you," she said trying to keep her voice level, "but i think i need to go to the hospital."

this is not something you want to hear from your pregnant wife. it will ruin your day.

what's happening? is she miscarrying something that cost us tens of thousands of dollars to get? is this all wasted? did our having sex a couple nights ago a little harder than usual ... uh ... knock things loose? is she about to spend months in the hospital bleeding from places that smell bad?

have this happen three or four times.

see how you feel about it.

there is no permanent glowing happiness when you're infertile and pregnant. you've been through too much, and know how fragile it all is. and dealing with people who are pregnant and don't understand how much it hurts to be reminded of that is just too much sometimes.

truth hurts. we really do live in a different world. and whether you're here from my qf posts or my trackback on tertia it's worth learning about because there are a lot more of us infertiles out there than you might imagine.

and even if we beat the odds and have a baby that makes it all worth the effort, we can't simply decide to "have a little brother or sister." it doesn't work that way for us. (or, if you're qf, god told you a long time ago how big your family ought to be.) "another brother or sister" is again a fraught thing because, at least if you can afford it, it means yet more trips to the wand monkey and jabbing her ass with gigantic needles filled with nasty smelly oily yellow gunk and "producing a sample" in a cup and all that garbage.

i dunno the solution except to ask for our fertile family and friends to please have a heart and think before you speak. if it even remotely comes close to babies and showers and waddling around ... think first, lest you unintentionally shatter us.

tertia and Danae ... love you both, no matter what.

1 comment:

  1. Who are those scary people? Eek!!! Its easy to preach when you've never walked in our shoes. Assholes. Let them live in their la la land. Thanx for this post, you are not bad for a bloke. ;-)